Dear Dan,
Today while clearing out my phone, I found a picture Foxxy took of me in Miami posing awkwardly in front a beautiful paneled artwork that reads “Potere” in Italian. It’s a mural that seems very stereotypically Miami – flamingos contained within the curve of a stone arch, plants sprouting up from the water, surrounding a statue of a black unicorn kicking up its front legs in the air. The word “Potere,” which I learned means ‘power ‘ in Italian is displayed proudly above. There’s a ship out in the distance, its giant masts obstructed from view.
I tried to look cool, but you can visibly tell I’m feeling self-conscious. She might have given me some posing suggestions and then eventually gave up when she realized I just couldn’t get comfortable in my body.
I didn’t know what the mural said when I first posed in front of it, and now I wonder if part of my discomfort was in the unconscious disconnect between the artwork and how I see myself.
When I look at myself in the mirror, I don’t see power. And it’s not for lack of trying. But something about the way I always dig my hands into my pockets and shift so effortlessly into a resigned half-smile probably tells the world (and myself) that I’m not the one you’re looking for.
If I remember correctly, I think I wanted to take a picture in front of the mural that read “Amore,” but there were drunk girls posing there at the time so I just settled for power.
Funny enough, I looked up the definition of “potere” and it said “power,” but the second definition read as, “can” or “to be able to.”
I understand that’s essentially what “power” means in English, but something about seeing the word further stripped gave me a sense of relief when I read it.
I know it makes no sense, but I don’t want power–I want to feel the agency and possibility of choice to be felt in every step I take. I don’t know what that looks like yet, though.
-K
